Dear Coach Paradise,
I am feeling very depressed, and since I heard you on the radio I wanted to see if you can help me. I am visually impaired and am living in a rehabilitation home right now. I am using a walker and am trying to get better so I can become more independent again.
My question is about my relationship with my wife. She comes to visit me every day and does things for me like cleaning up my room and making the bed. I know she is tired, as she has a full time job. I feel like I am a burden to her and that she is fed up and tired. I do have someone who comes into clean and help me out some days. I would like a better relationship with my wife, but don't know what to do. I get very discouraged and helpless, and don't know what I can do to make things any different.
Helpless in Paradise
Dear Helpless,
The very fact that you wrote to me lets me know that you are not as powerless as you feel. It takes courage to reach out and ask for help. Even though your situation sounds depressing, I think that I can help you focus in a way that might make a difference and help improve your relationship with your wife.
First of all, I hope that you are letting her know how much you appreciate her visits and her help. We often take those we love for granted. Expressing your gratitude and letting her know that you notice and are thankful is important.
Next, if you want to have a better relationship with her, you will need to "show up" differently — meaning not as an invalid who needs her help, but as a husband who loves his wife and wants to spend some quality time with her. If you have someone who does some of these tasks for you anyway, why don't you pick a day or two out of a week where you tell your wife that she gets to put her feet up and chill? Get her some flowers or candy or something that will surprise her and make her feel special. Create some romance. Rub her shoulders, massage her feet. In whatever small ways you can, pamper her and let her know that you see her as your wife and a woman, and not just a caregiver. Let her know how much you enjoy her company.
Even if our physical powers diminish, we always have a choice as to how we will react to our situation, and we never lose the ability to create our reality in a way that is more pleasing. As long as we can think and feel, we can try on new ways of looking at things, and continue to focus on how we would like things to be and how we would like to feel.
This takes practice and can be especially hard when reality is so difficult, but it can be done. It sounds like you are very motivated and genuinely want to make some changes that will improve your relationship.
I will hold a vision of you and your wife talking and laughing and enjoying your time together, and know that this will be tremendously healing for both of you.
With love,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.