Dear Coach Paradise,
I read your last letter. I like what you had to say about keeping open and not letting the list rule everything. I have changed my list and realized some things are more important than others. I also know I can't change my guy. I'm putting up with stuff that I know I don't really like. What's with that? I really like this guy and don't want to lose him, but I know I'll leave him if things don't change. Help.
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Living in the gap between what you want and what you have is always painful. We run around like crazy doing things to close gaps — changing people, situations and things, surprised and frustrated at how it never really works because it's an inside job! The gap is the space between what you want and what is, and between how you are feeling now and how you'd like to be feeling. Nothing needs to "happen" for you to feel better. You can think new thoughts and feel differently when you realize that it's your thoughts that are making you feel bad. You can call on your repertoire of thoughts and experiences to soothe your energy and leave you feeling better: eating ice-cream, running, listening to music, petting a kitten, meditating, etc.
With your focus on losing him or leaving him, I wouldn't be surprised at either outcome. If you would prefer other options, I'd suggest shifting your focus to solutions and happy outcomes. Write your happy ending. If something bugs you, let it be an arrow pointing to what would make you feel good. Focus on what you like about this guy, and see if you can enjoy your time together. Remind yourself that there is nothing to worry about. Whatever happens, it's all good. Either you two will grow closer, or someone even more amazing will show up.
Be true to yourself and don't tolerate things that undermine and sap your power. Go for connections that empower and support you and make you feel alive and joyful. And … remember always that you are a vibrational match for whoever shows up in your life. Any change needs to start with you. Once you understand this and get to work on yourself, people who don't fit with where you are at will fade away and you will magnetize those who are lined up with your desires and your heart.
To Closing the Gap,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.