Home Lifestyles Advice ON FACING A NEW YEAR

ON FACING A NEW YEAR

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QUESTION: I start each year with strong and serious resolutions, but by mid-January, I always break them. Help!
Weak Winnie
ANSWER: Dear Winnie — Perhaps you should look at resolutions differently.
The new year is a wonderful time for taking stock of oneself. See where you are now, and where you want to be. Instead of making resolutions which are unrealistic and almost impossible to maintain, choose one area, and set yourself a realistic and obtainable goal.
If, for example, you want to lose weight, decide that in 1999 you will start an exercise program, rather than saying that you will lose 30 pounds in two months. Then commit yourself to following through, for you.
Don't set resolutions for anyone else, or try to please anyone else. Let this year be for you! Let your resolution be this year's gift from you for you. Don't you deserve this?
QUESTION: My relationship is far from perfect. When my partner and I go out drinking, we get into fights that sometimes come to blows. Still, he can be so charming, attentive and loving. I hate the idea of leaving him, and there is no guarantee that the next man to come along will be any better. I feel stuck. What should I do?
Sandy from St. Croix
ANSWER: Dear Sandy–
Your question raises several others. There are several areas that deserve more exploration.
First, any relationship that includes "blows" is a relationship in trouble. "There is no excuse for domestic violence" and any "blow" is a form of domestic violence. I suspect, if you look closely, there are other areas of difficulty and strife within the relationship as well.
Second, alcohol is a drug that is unquestionably associated with violence. Different drugs do different things to our systems. Alcohol — a legal, liquid drug — is known to release inhibitions. One of the inhibitions it releases is that which prevents us from acting on violent feelings.
Third, your tone suggests that you feel you must put up with unacceptable behavior in order to have a relationship. That is just not true. There ARE men who are nonviolent. Alternatively, one does not have to be in a relationship in order to be a healthy, happy, rounded human being.
Learning to not settle for those aspects of a relationship which are not acceptable is a first step in feeling really good about yourself.
You sound as if either you or your boy friend might benefit from counseling. Fortunately, we have many choices for you.
On St. Croix, you have the Women's Coalition (773-9272); on St. Thomas, the Family Resource Center (776-3966) and the Council on Alcoholism (774-4358); on St. John, the Safety Zone (690 or 693-SAFE 7233]).
In addition, there are many private therapists and counselors available to help you look at these issues in more detail. It would be worth exploring, as relationships with "blows" are often dangerous, and not likely to stop without outside intervention.
Do yourself and your partner a favor, and get help with this. Whenever you are ready, there are people ready to help.
Editor's note: Dr. Iris Kern is director of the Safety Zone in St. John.

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