Dear Coach Paradise,
I am the 38-year-old single mother of a 12-year-old son. I have a successful business and have recently bought a condo in my home city. I have always wanted to travel and live in a foreign country, and would like to do this while my son is still young enough to be open to this adventure, benefit from living in another culture and acquire better English skills. (We live in Europe and English is not his first language.) I have chosen New Zealand for many reasons and am very excited about the possibility of living there. I am looking for jobs, and have done much research about schools and housing. I can rent out my condo and either sell or turn my business over to my partner, or continue to play a role in the company. My son is excited, too.
My problem is my mother. She has always babied her children. My younger brother still lives at home at age 32. I have been married and divorced, and my mother still gets upset if I dont call her every day. I have tried to explain that I love her and that I have my own life, but she doesnt seem to understand and says this hurts her feelings. When I think about moving away, I think of how upset she will be and wonder if I can act on this desire or, as a good daughter should, stay where I am for her sake. My father died eight years ago, but my mother still has her own business, is in good health and shares her home with my brother. I want to go, but I am torn.
Signed,
To go or not to go
Dear to go or not to go,
Do you see that this is more like to be or not to be (the person you truly are in your heart!)? I can feel the energy of your excitement around this new adventure, as well as your distress as you anticipate your mothers reaction. You are demonstrating some powerful intentions: to be an adventurer, to be a loving parent, to be a loving daughter, and to be independent (among others). You are on the verge of something really big!
When our actions follow and flow from what we care about and value, we feel good and that all is well. However, other people may have different ideas about how things should be, and call on us to question our choices. This is good, because it provides a contrast against which we can really highlight what it is that we want and how we want to live. Are you a loving daughter? What does that mean to you, what does it mean to your mother and how deep is the gap? Is there a gap? How willing are you to forgo your intentions and dreams to live up to her definition of being a good daughter?
As a parent yourself, these questions warrant careful and loving consideration. What kind of a role model do you want to be fore your son? Ultimately, how can you be true to yourself, do what matters and do it with love? You have no control over your mother and how she perceives your actions. You can certainly tell her and show her that you love her and hope that, in her love for you, she will wish you great happiness no matter what choices you make. Separation is harder for some people than others, but it always precedes growth and expansion. When cells divide, they multiply. You are not torn. You are whole and complete.
I believe that when you make a decision that takes all of the above into consideration and focus on the positive changes that you want to see in your life (and in the world), the outcome will be positive. It may not be the outcome you have in mind, but it is bound to be at least as wonderful — and likely even more magnificent.
Bon Voyage,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.