Home Commentary Op-ed Letters to Santa 2006

Letters to Santa 2006


Dear Santa:
(1) Bring President Bush some PEACE of mind. Saddam knows he will die soon. But for the rest of his term, and his life, the President will be sweating as if in purgatory, over the mess he has caused with that decision to start a preemptive war in Iraq.
(2) Bring Governor Charles W. Turnbull a big trunk so he can move, and a gift certificate to driving school. Now that he has all that time on hand he can read as much as he wants, and try his hands at something really new.
(3) Bring Governor Elect, John deJongh a triple laurel crown. There's little doubt that he won big. Also, bring him a friend of the NRA, say VP, Dick Cheney, so that he can practice the "One Shot". Bring the Governor Elect potions of wisdom and understanding too as "together they can" all come with both hands out for New Year awards and gifts!
(4) Bring Lurlene Gerard a star-studded crown and lots of happiness. It's for Christmas, and for her taking the St. Thomas-St. John, Teacher of the Year crown (2006 – 2007).
(5) Bring for Sheldon Turnbull, Juba and Ninja some crab jockeys, a wide, wide door for Festus plasma TV, and a sofa for Cuthbert. Since Sheldon is short for his age, make sure he wid mommy and daddy, so that he does not disappear when he go to Jam Band and de crab races.
(6) Bring the Department of Licensing a super computer so that they can stop printing generic licenses, which anyone can counterfeit. They also need to work out some best probabilities. We want to know which insider stole all those cigarettes from the warehouse. And we need a discount on gasoline in St. Thomas and St. John too.
(7) Bring Celestino White a professorial cap and gown. Along with his many roles in the last election, he can also lecture Senator Barshinger on The Politics of Senatorial Responsibilities, Cultural Relativism, and The Intricacies of Common Sense.
(8) For the Commissioner of Education bring a see-through trunk. She can use it to pack all the people's paper work that died on her desk. Oh, also bring her a big "Good R." card. Sign it from everyone in the VI who desires progress in education.
(9) Bring the St. Thomas- St. John Superintendent a lily-white robe, just like the one she wears on Sundays. Mark it with the word "H." in red. That's to remind the priest and brethren that Sunday is just Showtime. During the rest of the week it's all delusions of grandeur and perceptions of self: Nothing for the Lord.
(10) Bring David Cover a shining white suit with wings, and some Clorox. Then he can safely fly away to some deserted place. There he can purge himself of all his theories of conspiracy and corruption. Bring him a camera too, so that afterwards he can smile and capture a moment in time when he is not depressing.
(11) Since George Washington has already taken the title "Father of the Nation", bring a banner with a different title for the misbehaving senator: "Father of the Senate" will do. He can use it to adorn his next big office at WICO.
(12) Do not forget those sisters of Gifting Hands fame. Bring them bundles of envelopes. In these they can return, as Christmas gifts, some of those thousands of dollars they swindled from their trusting sisters.
(13) Bring Tobias his own plane. Although his campaign fizzled out, and he has not made it to the big house, he is still a busy man. With his own pilot and plane he can easily travel to Wall Street, in New York, Texas, St. Lucia, St. Kitts, St. Croix, St. John, St. Thomas and elsewhere to advise politician friends, and oversee his other business interests.
(14) Bring the Crucian drag principal a kan-kan dress to wear next Halloween. He can then show a little less skin, and be a more principled model to his students.
(15) Bring Fenton an ultimatum. Let him decide how he will use that extra time he got. Will it be spent campaigning and giving testimonies for politicians, or campaigning and giving testimonies for the Lord?
(16) Bring John Greaux and Barbara Petersen two segways and two large posters. The segways will be an improvement on their wheelbarrow. The posters should be one for their nonsense campaign, the other for their no-nonsense campaign: "Together they can!"
(17) Bring Bruna Vega and the WAPA organization some empathy for persons who have to pay those outrageous LEAC charges. Also, include some automatic counters, so that citizens can keep up with the number of times their electricity fails per day.
(18) Do not forget the Queen Bee. I am sure she has plans already. However, just as a back up, bring her a parachute without light, so that she lands on her feet, but does not find her way around the AARP to the GERS.
(19) Bring kudos for Louis Penn. He ran an excellent campaign this time. He earned all the perks he now gets. Foncie ran a good campaign too. Bring him a top hat. For Richards and Mapp bring Crucian straw hats so that they can start lining up, hat in hand, for next time around. Politics and power spin in circles.
(20) Alexander Morehead and Hovensa deserve it. Bring them a "Grinch of the Year" banner. After all those – too many price increases already for this year, they have the gall to rationalize another one just before Christmas.
Editor's note: Whitman T. Browne is an author, professor and school principal.

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