Dear Coach Paradise,
It’s summer time, and I am so happy to be thinking about taking time off and relaxing. My husband and I have great travel plans, and I am looking forward to most of the stops on our leisurely journey. However, I always have a hard time with the family reunion and wonder if you have any suggestions so I don’t get as bent out of shape and stressed as I usually do.
My husband’s sister is bossy and overbearing and every year we all have to put up with her endless emails ordering the family to do this and that. It is pretty exhausting and always raises my hackles. It is a source of friction between my husband and me, not because he doesn’t see my point but because he is all about family and keeping the peace.
Short of numbing myself into some kind of stupor or simply digging in my heels and refusing to go, what can I do?
Signed,
Singing the vacation family blues
Dear Singing the Blues,
I acknowledge you for trying to create a new scenario and hence enjoy all of your vacation. It sounds like numbing yourself is an old and not entirely successful solution, and that not going is not an option. Lets see what else we can come up with — thinking outside of these usual boxes.
To jump start this process, I’d like you to create a scenario for this family reunion that focuses on what you enjoy about the experience — time with the kids, music, the environment, swimming, lazy days, good food. In fact, write a list of 10 (minimum) things you do enjoy. Really get into picturing and relishing each item on that list. Whenever you feel negative, carping thoughts creeping in, pull out the list and focus on one item.
The next suggestion I have is for you to picture this bossy sister-in-law and focus on something about her that you actually do like. I know that you can do this, even if there’s lots of resistance. Maybe she bakes a good pie. Maybe she loves your husband. Even if you have to look hard and long, find a positive hook to hang your hat on.
Another way to look at this is that you are “softening your heart." Really and truly, we don’t know what goes on in another’s inner being or what motivates their behavior. It mostly has nothing to do with us. Controlling, bossy behavior often originates from a place of insecurity and fear. See if you can find a way to relate to her with your “softened heart” that will make her smile and let go, if only for a minute.
It is common to get locked into replaying the scenarios that have been hardened by years of repetition and to believe that they are hard and fast. Believing makes it so. See if you can believe that by changing your attitude, the situation could be surprisingly different and amazingly enjoyable. The inner work that you do before this event will make all the difference. Picture it the way you would want it to be with everyone present and in the picture. I bet you’re not the only one who has a hard time with this woman. Find out how others have learned to deal with her and still love her.
As a final thought, I have been reading about the Forgiveness Project, where victims of crimes and their relative embark on an amazingly courageous and life-changing spiritual journey, during which they forgive the perpetrators of crimes against loved ones or themselves. The results are transformational and inspirational. Though this family member is not a criminal and you are not a victim, there is something in here for you. I am inspired to mention it as a direction that might help you have a totally wonderful vacation in which relaxation is combined with love and reminders that we are always growing and changing. Challenging situations always present opportunities for personal growth and, ultimately, for deeper connection and joy!
To you on vacation, singin’ a happy song,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.