Dear Coach Paradise,
I have a boyfriend — a fairly new relationship that feels important — a keeper. We have not yet spent a Christmas together, and I asked him if we were exchanging gifts. He said he was pretty broke right now and made a joke about how I couldn't afford what he wants — and implied that I probably wanted pricey jewelry. I got off the phone feeling bad and with hurt feelings. It brought back unhappy childhood memories. My mother was always the one giving gifts and my dad let her down and didn't do the same.
I don't want to replay that scenario but I do want to exchange some token of our affection. It's not about pricey jewelry for me. How do I work this out so I'm not laying a guilt trip on him, and I don't end up feeling resentful and unloved? I love giving gifts. I like getting them, too, but it's more about the feeling than the thing for me. Any suggestions about giving and receiving and enjoying the holidays?
Signed,
To Give or not to Give
Dear To Give,
Great question for the holidays — a time when we traditionally give gifts to friends and family. Our increasingly frenzied, consumerist culture often turns generosity of spirit into great financial and emotional pressure — the opposite of love, peace and joy of the season. It is a challenge to stay sane, solvent and share joy and pleasure with the people in our lives.
In gift-giving, there is sometimes an equation between how much I give (or how much I get) and how much I love and am loved. As you so poignantly point out, we carry baggage from our childhoods and the gift-giving patterns we saw in our homes. We often repeat those patterns — great if they were happy, but not so great if they left one party hurt and the other(s) missing the mark or not paying attention.
If you are interpreting your boyfriend's response as an answer to the question, "Do you love me?" you have set yourself up to feel bad. If you are saying, "If you love me, you will give me a gift," you are being controlling and setting him up as the bad guy (guilty). If you genuinely want to co-create a relationship based on love and mutual respect, a new scenario is in order. The holidays provide a golden opportunity to begin creating (and in this case co-creating) how you want to show up and demonstrate your love and affection for one another.
First, shine a light on your expectations and beliefs (conscious and unconscious) and let go of those that no longer serve you. Next, realize that people have different ways of demonstrating their affections. Some people are great at giving thoughtful presents; others give of their time, their physical affections or service of some kind. They are all expressions of love. Acknowledge your best expression and see what your boyfriend is most comfortable giving. You can talk about this. Then create a tradition that honors your new relationship, and each other.
The above is about heart and about negotiating the sometimes-perilous reefs of relationships. Another perspective would be to do what feels good to you — the reefs have given way to a smooth, sandy bottom, and there is no right or wrong. Giving is its own best reward. If its impulse is one of love and generosity, it always gets paid forward, coming back to you in some unexpected and delightful ways that have nothing to do with weighing and measuring, and everything to do with the spirit of the season, no matter what holiday you celebrate.
To your joy in this season,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.