Dear Source:
On Monday and Tuesday of this week, I attended a Domestic Violence Symposium organized by Schneider Regional Medical Center’s 2010 Pastoral Care/Bio Medical Ethics Joint Committees.
It was an incredible learning experience.
I learned that domestic violence is violence that occurs between people who are in a relationship, i.e. between people who know each other.
I learned that domestic violence can be verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. It can be just one or all four. It can start as just one but can develop over time into the others.
I learned that domestic violence exists in all racial, cultural, religious and socio-economic groups, but that it is more prevalent where poverty is prevalent.
I learned that domestic violence exists in our Virgin Islands community in the secret lives of government leaders, clerical leaders, business leaders, politicians, teachers, professionals, laborers, church goers, non-church goers, married couples, unmarried couples, grandparents, single parents, teenagers, toddlers and infants.
I learned that, historically and culturally in the Caribbean Islands, it has long been considered ‘acceptable behavior’ to verbally, physically and sexually abuse one’s spouse or partner [generally female, but not always] and one’s children, and that this classification of acceptable is still widely perpetuated today.
I learned that the dirty secret of domestic violence has been carried down through generations of Caribbean women, carefully guarded with shame and fear deep in their proud hearts and their wounded souls.
I learned that men who are abused by their wives or partners feel even more shame and inability to talk about it than women do.
I learned that adults and children with mental and physical disabilities are at greater risk of suffering domestic violence, particularly sexual abuse.
I learned that it often takes 8 attempts for a woman, suffering abuse at the hands of her “romantic partner,” to finally leave the home where the abuse is taking place.
I learned that many women don’t live to see the ‘magical’ 8th time when they might have broken the co-dependent cycle and might have saved themselves.
I learned that abused women come through the doors of the helping agencies multiple times, but they keep going back to the abusive home.
I learned that the reasons women go back to their abusers are numerous and can relate to economics, fear of what will happen to their children, low self-esteem, lack of education, illegal immigration status, isolation from other family members and friends.
I learned that date rape is on the rise, and is being perpetrated between increasingly young children.
I learned that in many households in our community, where there is a stepfather or live-in boyfriend present, there are women who allow these men to sexually abuse their children.
I learned that, in some of these Caribbean Islands, it was once thought that men could get rid of HIV/AIDS by have sex with young virgins, so they did.
I learned that children who are verbally, mentally, physically and/or sexually abused will perpetrate on others what has been done to them, unless the cycle is broken through intervention, counseling, behavioral education and compassionate mentoring.
I learned that seniors in our community are frequently abused by their family members – they may suffer neglect, they may be left to sit in their own fecal waste for days, they may not be fed, they may not be given their medications, they may have their social security money stolen from them, they may have their homes taken from them.
I learned that our laws relating to domestic violence are often inadequate.
I learned that there are passionate members of this community whose daily work, and often life’s work, is dedicated to breaking the cycle of domestic violence.
I learned that there are countless, nameless volunteers in our community who help the victims of domestic violence.
I learned that this is my problem and your problem.
I learned that everyone in this community has to stand up and denounces domestic violence.
It must no longer be safely buried under the rug in the living room.
It must no longer hide in the dark corners of the bedroom.
It must no longer be concealed in a ghastly cloak of fear-driven silence.
We have to preach from our pulpits that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to teach in our classrooms that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to write in our newspapers that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to shout out from all branches of government that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to announce from the podiums of our organizations that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to make our laws reflect that domestic violence is morally and criminally wrong.
We have to provide the shelter, the care, the counseling and the services to help people who take the step of leaving an abusive household, to stay out of the abusive household.
We have to teach our children that love should never hurt, and if it does, there is something wrong and they can safely seek help.
Respectfully submitted by Corinne Van Rensselaer, a concerned citizen